Havent written in a while. Its because this post is whats been pinballing inside my head disallowing me from coming up with anything else. I hesitate to post this. First, because I wanted things to be funny. This isnt. Second, because of fear of judgment...Ive felt it before. Its because of fear #2 that half the post will be the following qualfiers: I love my sons. Id swallow hot coals for them, Id gladly give my last breath so they could breathe one more. I wouldnt undo any part of my family or trade any of my sons for any imagined reality. I do know some people long for A child, any child. I wont pretend to understand that heartbreak. So, please if you plan on addressing any of these issues, just dont read, because this might infuriate you...because you wont understand. I do know there are people who do, though.
Dear Never-daughter,
I never thought of myself as the type of woman whose sole purpose in life was motherhood. I went to college, got a degree, found a career, got another degree. I didn't get pregnant immediately after getting married (either time). But. I became a mother and I was immediately hooked. Being a mother is magical, turmoil, elation, clarity, purpose, every feeling magnified. From my earliest memories, it was a given that I would have a daughter. It became a part of a future plan, a life path...along with schooling, marriage, home and that whole package. But you never came. I did get 3 amazing little boys, who light up my every day and even some nights. But where are you? I have no sisters and my own mom who is my rock and my truest best friend, will not be here forever for me. It wasn't until I had my own children and truly understood mortality that the weightiness of your never-existence really hit me. Whose eyes can I look into to find ME, to understand in her DNA my woman's heart. I feel like Ive learned so much about being a girl, a woman, all for naught I guess. No one else will need that wisdom. I won't lie, Never-daughter, I will miss little dresses, ruffles, bows, princesses and pink. I will miss Prom dress shopping, wedding dress shopping...shopping! I will miss those admittedly petty things. But Never-daughter, I will miss your companionship. Because I know that as I have grown older, my mom and I have an irreplaceable, unmatched bond. I'm scared Never-daughter, I'm scared because my boys will grow up and find their one and onlys and it's her family that will get the time...because they are the Daughters. There is a rhyme... A son is a son until he takes a wife, but a daughter is a daughter for the rest of your life. I'm scared my boys won't want to talk to mom on Saturday mornings when they're 32, there will be no brunches followed by pedicures once my boys are daddies themselves. Do you see, Never-daughter? Forgive me, but I have to make up terrible things about you so I won't go insane. I basically like to think you'd be bat-shit crazy. And well...obviously that's not a stretch....My mom (She knows just the right thing to say) told me once that I never knew what was in store for me, that a daughter might find her way to me somehow, someway. So, that's comforting too. So, Never-daughter, as I wipe the tears from my ipad to post this, although my heart hurts for your never-birth and always will, I wouldn't trade my boys to have you, but they would have been awesome big brothers.
Love, your never-mom
